Resistance to uncomfortable emotions and ways of healthy distraction.
In the previous post, we talked about the importance of facing your-self, your emotions, straight on without using unhealthy distracting habits/coping mechanisms. Most of us have minimal knowledge about the work of the body & the psyche, so we turn to the only available habits we know, such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, overworking, extreme sports, dieting, body control, starvation (we will further discuss how we use food to cope) etc. This includes any activity that allows us to get out of our own heads, so to speak. This immediate relief or fast-reward system may have a destructive effect on our mental and physical health, as well as the people closest to us. However, because the effect of this type of behavior is only really noticeable in the long term, this gives us justification to do so “in the meantime”, thinking “I’ll quit whenever I want to”, not considering our future self and others, disconnecting from our own experiences. This means that we are unable to fully be present with family, friends and life events in general because we are constantly numbing the “pain” which includes all feelings, not only the negative ones. Life is to be experienced both inside and out, however some of our activities include too much self-focus, self-obsession & instant self-gratification, this makes us unable to connect with others because we are living in our heads. I believe this is called narcissism? When an individual is so scared or hurt by the outside world, that they enter their “shell” and their only interest is how others can make them feel better and serve them. They run from discomfort and seek pleasure in any way possible.
For example, a psychosomatic illness or issue may be expressed through a symptom (action-reaction) like overeating caused by emotional abuse. This may involve a person in a controlling relationship (of any kind – parents, siblings, spouse), where they feel unsafe to be their authentic self, to share and show their real emotions and thoughts. This fear paralyses them, and instead of answering back or standing up for themselves to their “abusers” (by setting boundaries for example or leaving), they may choose to “self soothe” with drugs (in the extreme case), or less harmful behavior – they might turn to food for comfort and relief from their uncomfortable feelings. For example, a heightened desire for sweet food might indicate a lack of kindness, “sweetness” and romance, in life. Perhaps when unhappy in a relationship, but too afraid to leave, an individual might prefer to just “eat“ the urge to lash-out. Dissatisfaction might push another person to workout extra-intensively to perhaps feel more “in control” by monitoring their body size. Each person will use the fastest and easiest relief system they find.
While I do recommend moving away from distractions, I also want to underline the importance of doing so progressively within your comfort zone, especially if you have spent many years of your life running away from feelings. In order not to “drawn” in sorrow, figuratively speaking, perhaps continue old “destructive” habits but add in new “healthy” ones, and give yourself time to naturally choose the latter rather than just trying to completely eradicate all negative behaviors. This is where you can focus on what will make you feel good in the long term, thinking about what type of person you want to be and how you want to feel in ten or twenty years. If you do not change how you feel, your feelings will be the same as today may be more intense. This change does not have to be a battle and can be done slowly, patiently, with love, compassion and understanding for yourself. Realize that the behaviors you chose previously were also out of love at the time, from the need of your younger self to be more feel better. Forgive your “inner child” and younger self. It’s alright, no matter what you did, it is reversible. Be generous and kind to yourself.
Take it slow, because whatever you suppressed – will come out. Read that again: All feelings when no longer suppressed will eventually come out. Even if it was a situation which happened in your childhood, in which you didn’t speak up, you will remember it and feel everything you had felt at that moment. Here – gently feel, meaning whatever emotion comes – go with it. Feel angry? Punch a pillow. Feel sad? Cry. Write a letter, call people and let it out.
Progressively, no need to write 1000 angry letters right away. Give yourself permission to process. While dealing with these emotions take breaks. Here are some “healthier” distractions you can use:
Clean and organize your house
Watch a movie or listen to some music
Dance, maybe have fun repeating an online choreography video
Do something fun, Go ice skating/Rollerblading
Paint or draw something
Learn and make a new cooking recipe
Read a book, Go for a walk, or drive
Make a dream board
Say some affirmations
Plant some seeds, do some gardening
Get some aromatherapy
Play on the computer
Do a puzzle, play a game
Move your body
Journal, Sing
Learn a new skill!
When we begin facing our emotional needs, we often face a sort of resistance that urges us to move away from it. This resistance to change is accompanied by feelings of discomfort, perhaps anger, distress and the feeling of doing it “wrong” and it “not working”. This is when the real change happens and we build emotional resistance, maturity. This is when we allow this resistance to be. Don’t remove it, suppress it or distract from it. This is the moment to sit with it and simply observe, watch what happens.
There is no way to remove Resistance, it will handle itself. Trying to stop resistance only creates more resistance. This is a notion I have struggled with so much in the past and that I am only now (after years of learning about it) starting to understand. It is incredibly hard to do (or more like – NOT DO) because it contradicts the rules which most of us are brought up with. When we think of a verb /action word, we think of “performing” it, like actually physically doing the deed. To sleep we think of the action of sleeping, “I am going to sleep“, but are you consciously doing the work of putting yourself to sleep internally? Or perhaps you leave those processes to your body. All you do is allow the sleep to come over you. The new contradicting idea is that no action is necessary to take… To let go, you do not need to perform an action of “Letting go”.You just do nothing. And by doing nothing, the emotion goes on its own. Resistance cannot be met with “action” per se.
“Allow the resistance to leave on its own terms.
The answer is to observe the resistance. To watch ourselves from the side. As if observing an experiment, no agenda no action. So to recapitulate: allow, accept, meditate if you can, be gentle with yourself and just observe and let be! This is where in time you will see magic happen in your mind and life! Have a wonderful day! See you on Monday. 🙂
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