Conscious Habit

In the previous post, we talked about Habit Creation. Before moving forward, I would like to give you a little context: my own personal experience/backstory.

Growing up, I had some experiences that made me develop a big fear of public speaking. I had what felt like severe social anxiety. The mere thought of speaking to a stranger, or even to someone I knew, would paralyze me, causing heart palpitations, sweaty palms, brain fog – the whole deal. I couldn’t even ask someone for the time. I wanted to and was constantly told to be “more outgoing”, but even with this knowledge of what I SHOULD DO, I COULD NOT DO IT. My inner state was stronger than my rational thinking. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never pushed myself so hard, but at the same time, it helped me become the person I am today. We like saying “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger“, but why do we assume that we are weak in the first place? I thought something was wrong with me, because how can a person fear something as simple as talking to people, right? Well, let me tell you this: fear is fear, no matter what it is, the feeling is the same. If you want to know what someone with phobia experiences, just think of the thing that you fear the most, and compare that feeling. If someone you know is afraid of heights, for example, telling them to get over it because heights don’t scare you is… well, pointless. Compare the feeling of being afraid and not the “object” or situation of fear. Now I understand that it was a mental thing, and it was not as bad as my mind made it seem. However, the feelings I had that the time of my “fear” were very real and valid.

This is hard for some people to understand, that “pushing through it” does not always result in changing faster. No amount of “tough love” will change a person. For me, this meant being in excruciating discomfort when I tried to step out of my comfort zone. My mind spiraled into panicky thoughts, and I started to fear myself. The more I tried to be an “extrovert” the more discomfort and pain I felt inside. I was totally disconnected from my own experience. Trying to be someone I was not, only made me distrust myself (inside). In the end, I stopped trying. That is where my gradual change began. The only way I was able to achieve calmer communication with others is by accepting myself and my “introvertedness“. By giving myself time, being patient and loving, whilst also getting out of my comfort zone. Baby steps.

For me, the reason many of us do not get what we want lies in our impatience. We want to be successful now, today, or maximum tomorrow. We want the dream partner, career, friends right in this instance. We want to lose weight in a week and be ready for our new life. Cut our hair and voila, new us! There is so much to want/desire. We want to move from one thing to the other, to experience as much as we can. Life is short, they say. And so we end up wanting. This is a huge blockage when it comes to making our dreams come true and getting pleasure from life. Our impatience and obsession with instant results actually work in the opposite direction, the more we try – the further we get from what we want. The only solution is to make the minimum effort with maximum confidence and pride in those little actions. 

The Conscious Incompetence, where you aren’t doing something you want to, but you are conscious of that.

Conscious Competence, where the change happens only when you pay attention to it. Creation of habit, but might be difficult to do.

Unconscious Competence where you have consciously done something so much/so often that now you can follow it without thought.

Happy Wednesday! :)

Emotional stabilization

Nurturing Practices for Emotional stabilization

Emotions come and go, we cannot really control them, even if we are very creative in finding ways to distract ourselves from them. Emotional stability means allowing feelings to be, whilst being grounded in yourself. It is knowing that you can release fear and trust yourself. This is of great importance because our misunderstanding of the function behind our feelings is what causes distress. If we are afraid of our sadness or anger for example and try to push it away, it actually blocks this energy furthermore. Fear is a very strong emotion and we cannot accept what is when in a state of “fear”, so in order to reduce the suffering we must learn more about the Human Psyche. This knowledge can help us deal with challenging moments in life. Our capacity to think and move on is put on hold when we are tense and stressed out. Our mind cannot function properly when it perceives danger at every corner, and when we experience stress we send signals to our bodies that we are in danger. In this “survival mode” we live in a sort of mental fog because most of our energy is sent out to prepare the body for a life-threatening situation. If we do not find means of “evacuation” of this energy, the body will take control and decide in our place. The dis-ease it feels is the disease it brings.

Think of the body like a bus or a train. We are the driver of this vehicle and our emotions, thoughts, and feelings are the passengers. We have a route, and we drive from one stop to the other. Our passengers enter and exit at different stations or bus stops. Once more: we are the conductor. The type of passenger we get is out of our control and does not define who we are as people and/or where we are going. They come and go as they please, we can acknowledge them but our eyes on the road, looking ahead. When we start meeting some of our basic needs and introduce self-nurturing activities in our lives, we begin to open more mental space and clarity to help us deal with our emotions.
Feeling safe and taken care of brings feelings of comfort and ease. We are great at taking care of others – our partners, our children, family members, friends, even strangers at work, etc.; but some of us do not see the importance of putting some of that love into ourselves. Some of us think if we love another person/people hard enough, they will return our love and in that way, we think that is self-love. NO. Love is treating yourself no more and no less than you treat the people you love the most. Respect and honor that you show yourself starts from considering what your needs are and making space and time for yourself. You’ve heard it before but hear it again: “You cannot pour from an empty cup”. If you decide to ignore your own self, then prepare to be dissatisfied forever in hope that someone will treat you the way you know you should deserve.

Loving yourself means making time. Stop rescheduling, for your own sanity. Stop waiting for when you will be ready, or good enough to deserve it. Stop waiting till you change, or you get older, or bigger, or smaller. No matter your situation, you deserve it NOW. It takes some habit-making work to do at the beginning (repetition), but in no time this will become your norm. Here are some self-care activities :

• Meditation
• Take a nap, rest
• Listen to calming music
• Get a massage
• Take a day off to a spa salon, sauna, or jacuzzi
• Take a bubble bath, use candles and aromatherapy
• Decorate your space, make it cozy, make it ‘you‘
• Deep breathing practices
• Get yourself something nice
• Call or meet-up with friends
• Try some yoga or stretching
• Hug your loved ones and/or pets
• Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, haircut, etc.

Now that you have taken the time to relax, let’s talk about how to Deal with Your Feelings.
Notice what is troubling you, allow it to come up. Usually, this where we feel the need to push the feelings down with alcohol, food, games, dating, drugs, intimate connections, and so on. A few ideas of what you could do instead:

• Sit alone and start a conversation with yourself. Ask and try to answer your own questions, see where this leads you. For example: “Why did X or X situation make me lose my mind so much?” “Why did X bother me ?” and try to answer. “Well, X reminded me of when I was in summer camp, and Y told me XYZ and it makes me feel embarrassed”. Try to resolve what you can, and just reveal and face those feelings, forgive and release them. Repeat several times.
• Write your sensations and thoughts in a journal.
• Record some of your ideas into your phone and listen to it after
• Put two pillows facing each other. On one side is the aggressor/person/situation that hurt you and the other is you. Sitting on the “you” side – Speak, scream, yell, and/or pound the pillow, say everything you were holding back to your offender. Change sides and sit on the opposite pillow, now reply to this, defend or ask for forgiveness. Release! Let go!
• Let yourself cry, or be angry, or feel sad
• Sit with your feelings and watch how they change, intensify or reduce, just observe
• Breathing exercise, visualization, meditation
• Talk to someone about it
• Confront the person causing your distress if you can or write a letter.
• If you have trouble doing this on your own, perhaps consider finding a therapist (physical or virtual perhaps).

Basic Needs [pt I]

 How to handle triggering emotions: Basic needs

Concepts and ideas face inevitable change. Previously, we had been led to believe that we were simply biological machines and nothing more. Every system was separate from another and otherwise meaningless. We need just focus on the “faulty” one, fix it and everything would be fine. A headache, for example, was nothing more than the sole problem of the head and if you took a pill, you were good to go! And before that, a little blood-letting here and there was viewed as the cure to illness. 

Today we are beginning to understand the connection between all these seemingly unrelated systems and how they add up to make us as a whole. We are on the precipice of understanding the roots of our illness which could indeed be psychosomatic in many cases. A headache, the decrease of blood flow to the brain, could be a sign of stress and tension resulting from the action of constantly “tensing up” the muscles of the body, the inability to relax, a permanent state of alertness. When we are tense, for example, some of us push up our shoulders, unconsciously hold our breathe (very shallow and short breaths), and feel a lot of stiffness around the neck area. After a couple years this results in chronic neck and shoulder pain and/or problems breathing. We concentrate so much of our energy in our minds, that we forget to check on the body, how it is doing.

Everything that we experience is real and valuable, even if we are ashamed of it. We have the right to feel them in every way we see fit. However, seeing that we are only at the very beginning of discovering ourselves as more than just “instincts” and pure biology, the ways some of us have seen “fit” to “feel” up until now have been quite damaging. Our ignorance on the subject of the Human psyche has led us to search for this “relief” in any way possible, apart from actually facing these sensations straight on. Concerning mental health, there is still so much stigma and ridicule that discourages us from ever getting help. “Suck it up and keep pushing!” doesn’t really allow space for self-exploration. Instead, we search for perfection and the “deserving” feeling we think we will get should we find greatness (through career, fitness/body/beauty goals, marriage, popularity, fame for the sake of achievement rather than for passion or love of doing it). This could be a short-term relief, but our thoughts always catch up to us no matter what we achieve or how “perfect” we look on paper. 

Yes, at times just being alive can feel like too much work. To be part of society is not only to follow rules but to have character and persistence to make new rules. I believe that we all are mentally and physically very “strong” people, whether we believe it or not. Some of us are just better at distracting and/or pretending than others, but to an extent, we all pass through similar experiences in different times and spaces. There is a greatness to us as a species, to perhaps not fully understand life but still fight for our place in it. Remarkable creatures indeed! It takes courage and, quite frankly, madness-loving character traits to thrive in our society! Living in a stress-inducing system that we created for ourselves can leave us feeling uncomfortable, and trigger emotions of despair, cluelessness, discomfort, and dis-ease. Our goal is to find ways to handle and understand our emotions (ultimately our inner World) as much as we understand our outer shell (seeing that so many of us are nutrition specialists and fitness gurus). No shade. However, knowing is not understanding.

Some people get acquainted with their feelings early on in life and find healthy ways to harness their “life force”. Others struggle to understand themselves, running away from these feelings of discomfort and instead focus on ways to distract. We find loopholes for this built-up inner energy, we cope with them through different outlets, like food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, etc. and yet we are still not really satisfied when we either focus too much on everything or when we neglect it all. We push this “energy” into work, for example, but not enough into human connection perhaps, or vice versa. The first step towards ourselves is to acknowledge that we have needs and that we are entitled to having them met. Basic needs are also survival needs :

• Health, body function
• Water, food, good living conditions
• Family, friends, human relations
• Shelter, protection, safety, security. 
• Rest, sleep, comfort, and warmth
• Feeling accepted, heard, and understood, expressing feelings
• Being intellectually and creatively stimulated
• Getting pleasure

In other words “love”, “care” and “nurture”. Feeling taken care of provides mental health benefits. We often take care of others – children, family members, friends, even clients, etc; but we forget to put some of that love into ourselves. In the next post we will discuss some of these self-care activities. When we start meeting some of our basic needs and introduce self-nurturing activities in our lives, we begin to open more mental space and clarity to help us deal with our emotions. Many of our capacities are put on hold when we are tense and stressed out. When you are in “survival mode” and your body experiences life-threatening sensations like anxiety, it finds ways of “evacuation”. These “escapes” might prove to be dangerous in the years to come, and even if you do not feel the effects of “escapism” now, think about your future self and the people close to you that will also suffer from your choices. 
What are some of your favourite self relaxing practices? 

Techniques to freedom

How to let things happen? [Part III]

In previous posts, we briefly discussed some difficulties we, Modern Folk, face when attempting to “relax“, release control, and work towards freedom from ourselves and others. We put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves and get so caught up in our personal dramas that we forget to enjoy the journey. Many of us are prisoners in our own minds and we know it. Instead, I propose we take a moment and look where we are today… Forgive, thank and move on!

There are many reasons for the self-limitations we experience (when you know better but unable to act upon this knowledge). For now, let’s glance at ways in which we can learn to achieve “relaxation” and liberation.

To achieve this state of “acceptance” there is one major action we can take. This will look different on each person, but the idea is to follow your bliss, your intuition, pursue what feels good! The trick here is to think of the long term results, rather than just instant pleasure and self-gratification. It can be very beneficial to direct our attention to things that make us feel fulfilled in life today. Many of us associate happiness with material wealth, physical “perfection” and/or the “perfect” family perhaps, but in reality, happiness is being true to ourselves, despite the approval or disapproval of others. Your friends or family cannot guide you to this revelation, it is something you need to find out for yourself.

What makes you happy?
Not what will make you happy ( we are not in the business of the future).
What makes you happy today?

This could be some kind of movement, meditation, creative activity… Any action in which you are able to slow down and feel your full authentic self. An action that makes you feel good to be alive, that makes your mind and body calm. We need to make sure that this action offers us “safe” relief (for example breathing exercises, drawing, etc; instead of drinking or getting high of course, because of the harm in the long term). If meditation seems too far fetched for you, do something you like, an action that enables you to release your thoughts for a moment. Self soothe. Start by developing a nurturing voice in your head that speaks to you in a gentle way. If you think that your thoughts don’t impact you, and/or how you speak to yourself doesn’t matter, then you wouldn’t be searching for this information in the first place. Clearly whatever you were doing did not work.

The reason why it is best to concentrate on the calm activities for now, in my opinion, is because the effects are perhaps a little longer. There is nothing wrong with wanting a rush or boost of energy and excitement, but sometimes when we go too high too fast, we fall just as quick. Once more, this leaves us dissatisfied. I think that is called “addiction”, correct me if I am wrong.

Let us aim for an emotion a little closer to our natural state of being … Homeostasis. Meaning our ability to maintain a relatively stable internal state that persists despite changes in the world outside. For more detail on this, tune in on Wednesday if you wish 🙂

Best of luck!

How to let things happen? [Part II]

How to let things happen? [Part II]
Societal rules vs Personal Freedom

To understand the difficulties we face when confronted with our inability to “let things happen”, we will take a look at one of the origins of this problem – the society in which we are raised. We will also discuss why societal rules are incompatible with personal freedom, because it is impossible to be behind bars and free at the same time… 

To begin, how many times have we heard that the blame for our problems is on the “Society” we grew up in? The famous villain of many of our discussions. “It’s not our fault, it’s the society!” However, what is a society, if not its individual parts? If parts of a system malfunctions, the whole system may crash. 

_{Photographed by Elina Kechicheva for Boycott Magazine, Spring-Summer 2020 issue.}

It is typical that whenever we experience some kind of hardship, we direct our focus to the opposite spectrum and then blame “those people there”. The cause of suffering for women that feel powerless is, of course, power-thirsty men, for the intellectuals it is the uneducated reckless people, for the poor is the rich, and vice versa. Clearly, this is not the truth, it is an example, yet some people do think this way. The easiest answer is the “shortest” one that does not require too much effort because we don’t have time, energy, or the desire to confront ourselves and the role we play in our own misery. We fall victims to absolutist thinking, this is especially true when it comes to taking responsibility. Perhaps this is what raising children to always respect authority does in the long-run.

The “rules of life” were introduced to us in our childhood. We learn from a young age that in order to be part of something, a social structure, we must follow its rules. You must “behave” as a child or you will be denied affection and/or attention. “Punishment and reward” mechanisms are deeply ingrained in us. To live under someone’s roof and get their protection you must give something in return, so we are taught. These social power structures include families, communities, schools, religious groups, etc. For the moment let’s discuss family life.

Some families allow more freedom than others. In families of practically absolute control, there is an unconscious and conscious conditioning/programming of behavior. This control might impair the ability of the individual to deal with life challenges. This, in its turn, can create a person paralyzed with fear and anxiety, for example, if unable to reproduce this system of control after leaving their Family Life. This gives a sense of separation, feelings of inadequacy, and the inability to fit in with others. Or, this can create a devoted-follower, completely unable to think for themselves, and that later passes on their conditioned behavior and knowledge to future generations. In either case, there is no freedom in the previously described scenarios. How can you preach freedom to, pardon my language, clueless people (slaves)? Clueless in the sense that they are unaware of their own limitations, they do not see the walls that surround them. Now, before we get too carried away, let’s return to the idea of how to let things happen, shall we? 

A well-adapted person can take steps towards their goals in life without being emotionally attached to the outcome. This means that whether or not something destabilizing happens in their life, they can still learn to adapt to the situation rather than resist it (the change). This is called a “non-attachment” approach, which I now understand better thanks to the practice of Intuitive Eating (which we will discuss in future posts). 

To let go, we need to learn to accept what we think and feel, even if it feels “bad” and uncomfortable. Our discomfort is not a result of “that thing we don’t like”, but it is a confirmation of our resistance to it. Allowing uncomfortable emotions and feelings to arise without resisting them (meaning – without trying to change the situation and/or distract ourselves from it). When we are allowing, the discomfort becomes less intense with time. The discomfort we feel, therefore, actually comes from our reaction to an event and our incapacity to accept it. By being accepting, you allow space for actual progressive and long-lasting change.

Discomfort = Resistance
Acceptance > Resistance 

_{We will discuss some other ways we can release resistance in the next post. Stay tuned!}

How to let things happen?

 How to let things happen? [Part I]

In a World where go-getters, A-type personalities, and high-achievers are considered to be the “goal”, how can you learn to sit back and let things happen? How can you let go and trust yourself & life? 

There is a big resistance to change and to accepting what is. The bigger this resistance, the bigger the suffering it brings. We actively try to control everything. We try to punish control ourselves through our looks and manners (as if desperately wanting to join the “High Society” club), through what we eat, how much of it, and ways in which we can eliminate it (like through exercise). Some of us go chasing the “perfect” body in hopes it will get us noticed, respected, or make us feel better about ourselves. Some of us chase academic achievement and go to great measures to prove our intellectual superiority. Some of us try to control other people and events. If only we could control life itself! 

When we are unable to do all or any of the mentioned above – we suffer deeply. We suffer because we are resisting the change that is out of our control. We get attached to people, things, and events. We fight dearly to keep things the way they are, we resist letting go when times change. However, what if in order to end suffering we must first end this resistance? 

_{Sergei Novosadjuk, Nature-more des chats}

We “Earth” people are guided by rules. These rules for life easily turn into perfectionism or negligence and self-sabotage (through addictions etc.). Either we follow society’s rules or else we will be cast out. Not only do we have expectations of how things should play out, but we also expect the best or “perfect” occurrence of events. If an event does not happen the way we want then this can cause a lot of shame and, in many cases, depression. When we base our whole identity upon our achievements and perceived level of success, then we devalue our innate Humane qualities as well. We devalue ourselves as people when we believe we have “failed”. Our identity can come crashing down as a result of our inability to separate what is in and what is out of our control. 

As a society, we really must learn to handle these urges of control. We must learn to accept challenging situations and learn to grow from them collectively. We must be ready to sit in our discomfort with what is happening around us and have conversations about what we CAN do, rather than constantly complaining about things we don’t want anymore. The less energy we give to something, the less power it will have over us. We cannot change the social structures of the past and present, but we can let them play out naturally, whilst simultaneously working towards the desired goal. 

Through acceptance, we heal and move forward. Once this “release” is achieved, then we can be more effective in creating long-lasting change (everything is still bound to change with time, it is inevitable). In the [Part II] of this series we will further discuss how to achieve this release of resistance. 

How to let go?

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Have you been told you take things too personally? 
You’ve heard many times that you should “just let it go” but can’t seem to do so? 

Indeed, easier said than done! I say – do the opposite, don’t let go, don’t do anything. The true meaning of letting go is surrender, but not in the way that you think. In a clear mind and calm state, the answer is obvious because you have a sense of “control” over your body. Online tips tell us to take a step back and breathe, but what they don’t consider is how to achieve that is not an option.

Can you control or suppress anger? If so then what are the long-term consequences of that?

Perhaps this is not the advice you were hoping for, but if you’ve reacted to uncomfortable feelings in a certain manner all your life, how do you expect to change just because you decided to? The amount of time it took to get you to where you are is approximately the time it will take to get you out of there. This is not the answer we like to hear, we want a quick fix – instantaneously zen!

No matter how many articles are out there that tell you to try this or that, if it hasn’t worked for you previously it will not today. It doesn’t work because these people don’t know you. You don’t even know yourself. You can’t control your feelings, emotions or body when you are disconnected from it. You need to first learn and then build trust. It is a long process that cannot be fixed with a few how-tos. It takes careful “conscious” practice and patience.

Questions to ask : 
Why do I want to let go?
Why am I embarrassed of my emotions?
Is other people’s discomfort more important to me than my own?

It is important to start where you are.. Give yourself time. You might be an emotional mess right now, but you don’t have to be in 5 years from now. Are you going to judge your reactions till they become perfect or perhaps just let them be? React, overreact if you need, but after your back to your senses, perhaps analyze what happened. What put you off? What is a small step you can take in order to react a little differently next time and should you? Try different options, perhaps next time you try walking away and see how that feels. Or if you don’t like confrontations maybe next time just let it out, speak up! See what feels good to you. No advice is more important than the signals your body is giving you. If you feel attacked at every corner, then maybe this feeling is telling you something important. It is not a punishment to feel. If you can’t let go, then you need to sit in your discomfort and figure it out with yourself!

What are some emotions or reactions you have that you are embarrassed about?